When You Change Your Mind...

What happens when you start to question things that you thought you were sure of? For me, my world seems to be in this new awkward spiral. It's not a downward spiral. Just a spiral. Things keep catching me off guard.

I've been a firm anti-believer for my entire adult life. Okay, maybe that's not quite right. I'm a fair-weather believer. I don't mind praying when I feel like I have no other choices... As in, when I'm strapped to a table in an operating room having my last child cut from my body, yeah... I prayed. Or when something horrendous happens to someone I care about (like miscarrying a baby at 19 weeks), I pray. Or maybe I'm not praying as much as just hoping to the Universe that something will sooth the hearts of those hurting.

So, backing up to my youth, we were never taken to church, nor were we ever offered the chance. I wasn't allowed to attend events at the local Wesleyan church because of my father's beliefs. I have no idea what that was all about, but nearly all of my friends attended that church, so if I couldn't go there, there was no sense in going somewhere else. Then, growing up, my oldest brother was high-atheist and we, my middle brother and I, being the young followers we are, ended up being "atheist", too. I quote that, because I'm not sure you can call yourself atheist without good reason and I didn't have a good reason. I didn't believe frankly because I wasn't informed. I knew nothing about religion. Period.

I held tight to this lack-of-beliefs, if you will, all the way until recently. I dabbled in the Methodist church for awhile but found that more than anything, I was just digging the music (weird, I know, but I have a small playlist for my funeral now). I liked the "feeling" of church - the community part. But, I still have never been able to wrap my head around God.

Recently, Steve Jobs (founder of Apple) passed away and his sister reported his last words to be, "Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow." Now, what do you suppose he's seeing? It must be something pretty impressive, I'd imagine! It really got me thinking. Obviously, there was something there. Steve Jobs wouldn't just say, "Oh, wow" repeatedly as his last words on earth unless there was a good reason, you know? It almost feels like those words are haunting me tonight.

But, I'll go back to my younger years. I've held tight to the argument of an Agnostic person. You cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God. Which leaves me in a troubling place. I don't believe, nor disbelieve, in the possibility of their being a Christian God. I'm torn between holding onto what is old, comfortable and familiar and letting myself fall into a world of the unknown. I'm not sure I'm ready for that part of my life just yet, but maybe - just maybe - there's a reason Steve Jobs' words are coming back to me again and again.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Unimportant

I am... unimportant.

I mean virtually nothing to anyone unless they need a service from me. No one really knows me. But no one really seems to want to either. It's heart breaking... and I'm heart broken a lot.

Some of my family members are apparently currently estranged at the moment. I had it "out" with my brother in June and we've not really spoken since. I've tried to reach out, but, as he would put it, "answering the phone (or texts or facebook comments) is a choice" and it's pretty obvious I'm not a choice to him. I tried to email his wife about something completely unrelated, and I get no response. None. Awesome. Thanks a lot.

I can't seem to find a place to fit in anywhere. I'm always just on the outside of things... I never feel like I'm wanted anywhere. No one appreciates the things I do, little or big. The only time things are noticed, is when they're not done.

I guess I'm just having some pms (poor me syndrome) lately. Not that I'd ever do it, but there are days I can see why people just give up and kill themselves. I'm sure I just feel a fraction of the pain they feel and I know I don't want to be here anymore half the time either. If only it wasn't so selfish... I don't know how to be selfish.

Leaking

My face leaks. It's a terrible, terrible thing, but it does. It's attached to my overly emotional stupid head that gets hurt by every little thing. And, like when I usually blog, it's leaking now.

What's worse, is I guess I bring it all on myself. How dare I think of me for once. It's not like I don't put four other people above myself 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Nope. I'm selfish. All I think about is me me me...

Oh right... and them. There are days I don't shower because I can't get time in between picking up after, washing and feeding the four other regulars and two other part-timers that are in this house. I wash clothes for five people. I cook at least five dinners a week for those same five and sometimes two extras. So, you'll excuse me if at 10 pm, I find myself wondering if you're pissed at me... and then feel like it's confirmed when you bite my head off when I ask you about it.

I just... Has it always been this dramatic. Did my mom get her feelings hurt as often with less technology? How much can your books and tv hurt your feelings when that's all you have? Maybe it's time to play less-is-more and do away with the internet... Do away with data packages on cell phones. Those must have been simpler times in a way, right?

So, I've babbled off the edge it seems, but at least my face isn't leaking anymore, so that's a good thing. I guess I'll dry my face and try to hide the fact that I've been crying because I don't feel like explaining to my husband that I'm an arrogant asshole who thinks only of herself. I'm sure he'd agree. He probably thinks I only think about myself, too... :P

Strong Woman

Recently a friend pointed out to me that I'm a strong woman. I have a very definite line that is not to be crossed. You cheat on me, we get divorced. You touch my children inappropriately, I'll likely kill you. I'm not all for second-chances and forgiveness for the unforgivable things in life. To me, it's no way to live your life or raise your daughters to let things like that happen and not react accordingly. Along these same lines, I also would not expect someone to forgive me if I did something terrible. There are some things that forgiveness is acceptable, but for those few items, not a chance.

So, anyway, I started thinking about being a strong woman. There are so many times in my life... every month, week, day... that I cannot figure out why a person (generally a woman, but some men, too) put up with the bullshit they put up with. They're not confident! They let people take advantage of their good nature and good will over and over again. Man example, your wife is jealous of someone's wedding ring because it has more carats than her own, so she demands you go out and buy her a wrap so her ring is "bigger". I would LAUGH if someone insisted on that, yet, the person I know ran out and did just what he was told. Why?

I give so much credit to my parents making me a strong woman. My dad never treated my mother like a queen, but he was loving and supportive in all the ways that mattered to my developing mind. As an adult, I question what I may or may not necessarily know about my parents relationship. In all honesty, I don't want to know. It's not my place. And actually, I know more than I probably should. But that is neither here nor there for this blog.

My parents have been married almost 36 years. I've seen ups and downs but I've never known about money troubles. Sure, we didn't have Nike shoes or shop at the Gap for our clothes. My mom had a Sears credit card to put most of our school clothes on so she could pay it off over the school year. I wonder, sometimes, if my kids know too much about our finances? We don't openly talk about them, but when they ask for pizza a day before payday, I tell them we have to wait for payday. Is that a red flag that we're so paycheck to paycheck that we can't afford a $10 pizza? Or are they young enough that it doesn't matter to them? Maybe they think pizza is super expensive?

Right - back to their marriage. I think I learned so much about how relationships are supposed to work from watching my parents. My mother didn't sleep around before they got married and neither did I. Mark and I fight, like most people do, but never enough to make either of us quit the marriage. And I have to wonder, do divorced parents make divorced children? It seems like the more people who are divorced come from "broken" households themselves. Is it just a cycle that perpetuates? The going gets tough, so quit!

I worry about my daughters. I worry that they don't get exactly what they need from Mark and myself all the time. I'm worried that we're not raising them as great as we could. We don't shelter them enough. We don't give them enough opportunities. They don't feel loved enough. We're "outnumbered"... 3 girls to only 2 parents and only one of them the daddy. I think of all the women out there who bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship, all because they have daddy issues.

I got pulled away from the computer and lost my groove, so I guess this is it for now.

No one to count on

I have a lot of huge things going on in my life right now and most of the time feel as though there isn't one person that gives a damn about any of it. It's pretty sad when you have to vent to a lifeless blogging site because no one else will give you the time of day.

I'm starting to want to hermit again. It happens a few times a year. I just want to nix my facebook account, shut off my cell phone and wallow in self-pity. What good would it do? No one would notice. LOL Like I said, there's no one who really gives a damn about what I'm going through.

Even the people I would consider best friends any other time are totally gone on me right now. Maybe they're ticked that we're moving or in the very least think we're making a bad choice. I don't know. I don't live my life for them as I don't expect them to live their lives for me, but it would be nice if they would occasionally ask how stuff is going. A simple "hey, is Natalie doing okay?" or "how much more packing is there?" would at least make me feel as though they've put some thought into ME.

It's just another case of the me-mes, I guess. I'm constantly on the receiving end of me-mes and I guess I attract those types because I sure am surrounded by them! It's really hard to shake a me-me, too. Once you listen to their bullshit once or twice, you're stuck.

I don't mean to be such a downer. I'm just lonely. It would be nice if someone cared about me and my "problems" once in awhile.

I'm wondering if I can make posts private... Gonna have to look into that.

Doctors, Pharmacies, Idiots.

After spewing my opinions on this matter on Facebook, I realized it'll never go anywhere and everyone probably thinks I'm just an absurd bitchy mother at this point, so I figure I'll blog my heart out and it won't effect anyone but myself. I'm sure I'll feel mostly better.

Natalie had an appointment with the pediatrician (whom we generally love) on Monday at 3:30. We arrived about ten minutes early and waited, waited, waited... At 5 pm, I went to the counter and asked if she had been forgotten about. We were still in the waiting room. The most they had done was made a copy of her insurance card (not that it had changed any). Not forgotten... Just had some "emergencies" that went ahead of us. Emergencies should be for urgent care or the emergency room, but I digress.

So, we finally get placed in a room. Nurse weighs Natalie, asks what's going on, etc. Back in the room and we sit... and sit... and sit. Natalie has to pee. I take her to the bathroom. Dr sees me in the hall and says Natalie is next. FINALLY! We go back and wait. And wait some more. Different nurse comes in with the phone number for the cardiologist. Mind you, we haven't seen the doctor yet.

Another nurse comes in and asks what we're waiting for. Are you kidding? So, I counter with my own question: "Do I still have a co-pay if I haven't seen the doctor?" She's obviously unaware that we haven't been seen so she says she'll go get him. He comes in some 15 minutes later or so, ignores my concerns about her having acid reflux or anxiety, writes a very expensive prescription for a medication we cannot afford and pushes us out the door. At this point I am just so over having been at the doctor for 2 1/2 hours so we leave. (On a small side note: I requested shot records for Natalie and Olivia (for school) and the doctor said "we generally require 24 hour notice and a fee, but it's on the house this time" which is great because I don't plan on being back.)

I took her prescription to the pharmacy the next day after school. The pharmacist informs me that it's an expensive medication even with insurance, so I asked him to go ahead and order it, because she obviously needs it. Anyway, I go home and call the doctor to find out why they didn't call her in something free like Amoxicillian. Got the front desk. She said she'll ask him. He calls back a few hours later and asks for the pharmacy number and I asked if he was calling something else in. He confirmed he was and I figured it was Amoxicillian or something. Get to the pharmacy today. Dr didn't cancel the old script so they had MIXED the two meds together. Great. Not my fault.

Pharmacist gives me hell about the two scripts and that they were mixed (sorry, I don't have $40 for an antibiotic, bitch. maybe you should have asked first.) She rings up the new called in prescription and it was still $12, which isn't bad except I zeroed out my bank account getting gas this morning. Joy of fucking joys.

Panic Attacks in Children

12 % of 9th graders have experienced at least 1 panic attack and many of them before the age of 10.

It's a startling statistic to me, but while researching children having panic attacks, it's a stat that I came across. Wow. 12%! It seems like a low number, but when you consider what a panic attack is... Scary stuff.

Natalie has been having chest pains and elevated heart rates for about four noted days, starting the evening before Thanksgiving. She told us her "heart hurts" and when we felt her chest and listened at her heart, it was alarming how quickly her heartbeat was. I took her to the local hospital ER only to be told that maybe she was "scared", after her EKG and chest x-ray came back normal. Nice. I'm sure that's it, dill hole. She was just scared.

It happened again last night and we called the nurse hot-line at our doctor's office. After our feeble attempts to get a good heart-rate on her (about 108), she suggested that since Nat had pain, we take her to the ER again. Not thrilled with the level of care we received at Henry Medical, I took her all the way into Atlanta to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. We got there, got her weight, they tagged her arm and went through registration only to have it confirmed that my child, who's having CHEST PAINS, won't be able to see a doctor for 2 1/2 hours. Insanity.

We left. I went against my better judgment and took Natalie home, the whole time screaming at myself inwardly that there could be something wrong with her and no one seems to care enough to help us. I know they can't drop everything for her, and she's seemingly okay today, but what if she was having a heart-attack? I know, rare in 5 year old children, but not impossible, right?

Anyway, it's our goal to keep her home the rest of the weekend and not have to rush off to a hospital with doctors who can't help. I'll take her into the pediatrician on Monday and hopefully they'll be able to guide us. I'm pretty sure she's having anxiety because of our move. I'm having anxiety myself... So why shouldn't she?

I'll update after we see the doctor on Monday.