My period is about two weeks late. I've felt pms-y for about three weeks and I keep expecting my period to come at any time. But, every time I use the bathroom, nothing. Is it sick that I almost hope to be pregnant? My last chance to have a baby? Tubals aren't 100% effective, but I read a lot of negative info on ectopic pregnancies and I think it may kill me if I have to lose another child. :(
Part of me just wants my period to show up so I can mourn my close-call loss and get over it, but part of me keeps hoping all hopes that it stays away and that the little cramps I keep getting are implantation cramps. :) I know... I'm all sorts of messed up. I'm dying for someone to talk to about my crazy emotions, but I just can't open up to anyone. I don't think anyone would get it. And until I know for sure, I just don't want to alert the media.
I was going to post to my online group but people talk and the last thing I want is for a bunch of bitches to know that I may or may not be pregnant. It kills me that after all that's gone on, they still keep contact with the idiots that were so hurtful. But, what can ya do? I wouldn't have wanted to lose them as my friends over stuff... So I guess I can't expect them to ditch the bitches either.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I guess I'll update later about whether I'm pregnant or if it's a freak missing period!
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Friday, November 19, 2010
I don't listen to my children
I don't listen to my children very often, but I don't think they notice. Natalie praddles on and on all day long, barely stopping to breathe or eat. She just jabbers... I know she comes by it naturally. I am her mother, after all. After awhile, it seems, I just tune her out. I know she's talking, but as for having the foggiest idea what she's saying... Yeah, not so much.
Olivia doesn't yak as much so I find I'm more willing to listen to what she says. I wonder if Natalie has picked up on that at all? Natalie can talk for hours about anything, and when she's not talking, she's cheering - which is a whole other issue in itself. Olivia likes to cheer, too, but doesn't do it with the consistency that Natalie does. And the things Olivia talks about are actually interesting and engaging. It's more of a conversation than her just talking AT you, like Natalie does.
So, I guess my title is incorrect. It should say "I don't listen to Natalie". Somehow, I doubt she cares. I think it just feels good to her to talk and hear herself. The world is her stage!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid
Why are people such assholes at times? I mean, I know we all get a bug up our butts once in awhile and we say things that maybe we don't mean, or maybe we mean them but wouldn't normally say them. Today, I posted on Facebook about hating when I run out of stuff to do online and have to go clean or pack. Well, most people thought it was humorous or just ignored it, but not everyone.
People from Natalie's cheer team (the parents) have added me on Facebook. I think I only sought out a couple of them. Well, the offending poster is one of those who looked for ME. I didn't invite him into my world. He brought himself in.
Anyway, to my post about hating not having enough to do online, he posts "wish I had your problems..." I have problems? Who the fuck is he to think he knows a damn thing about my life? Maybe I'm taking this wrong or something, but good god! Who says shit like that? I wrote back "??? I have problems? It was meant to be humorous, but thanks..." but I've since deleted his and my last post. Gimme a break. I didn't ask to be his friend. Why would he be such an ass?
The unfortunately thing is that Natalie absolutely loves his daughter and they want to have her sleep over before we move. I'm sorry, dickweed. We may be too busy to accommodate that arrangement now. I hate to punish Natalie in the process, but I don't want her staying at their house. Fuck it.
People from Natalie's cheer team (the parents) have added me on Facebook. I think I only sought out a couple of them. Well, the offending poster is one of those who looked for ME. I didn't invite him into my world. He brought himself in.
Anyway, to my post about hating not having enough to do online, he posts "wish I had your problems..." I have problems? Who the fuck is he to think he knows a damn thing about my life? Maybe I'm taking this wrong or something, but good god! Who says shit like that? I wrote back "??? I have problems? It was meant to be humorous, but thanks..." but I've since deleted his and my last post. Gimme a break. I didn't ask to be his friend. Why would he be such an ass?
The unfortunately thing is that Natalie absolutely loves his daughter and they want to have her sleep over before we move. I'm sorry, dickweed. We may be too busy to accommodate that arrangement now. I hate to punish Natalie in the process, but I don't want her staying at their house. Fuck it.
Something positive
My blogs are all a bunch of whining bullshit, so why not post a Positive Blog? In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll give a list of what I'm thankful for.
1. My baby, Shawna. She's mainly my number one because she's right here in my face while I type. While Shawna can make me absolutely batty, she's also my sanity most days and reminds me why I wanted to be a mother. She's funny, beautiful, loving. She gives the best hugs.
2. I'll keep in the kid zone and put Olivia next. Olivia came into our lives about a year early than we had anticipated, but I wouldn't change that for the world! She's probably the most mature 8 year old I've ever met. Generally speaking, I can trust her to be honest at all times (with few exceptions).
3. Natalie... My funny, silly daughter. She brings the most light into my life (but tell either of my other daughters and I'll deny it!). Natalie is charming and witty. She is easy to smile and quick to love on you if you need it.
4. Mark. There are so many times that I just want to kill him and/or walk out the door and never look back, but truth be told, my life wouldn't be complete without him. Even when I'm mad at him, I feel like I need to talk to him throughout the day. He's a rock. He may not always understand why I need what I need, but he tries to be there for me and do what he can to make me happy.
5. I'm thankful for my friends. They are few and far between, but the ones that I have are the ones who will tell me when my breath stinks or that my jeans make my butt look awesome. I'm sad to leave the couple I have here, but I'm ready to get back to the ones I left behind two years ago.
6. My parents have always been there for me. They're the first people I want to call (besides Mark) when I have good news. I could spend hours in comfortable silence with my mom. As an adult, I can now see why my dad has the opinions that he does and while I don't always agree with them, I can respect them.
7. Scrabble. Yep, I know it's silly, but I'm thankful for Scrabble, especially the Facebook version. Scrabble keeps the mind sharp and I love spending afternoons playing Scrabble with my mom. It makes the 800 miles seem smaller somehow.
8. Sweet tea: No joke, I'm thankful for tea. Maybe moreso, I'm thankful for McDonald's for have sweet tea on the dollar menu.
9. My health. I'm not perfectly healthy. I'm overweight, probably pre-diabetic. I'm thankful for being able to work towards not being overweight and pre-diabetic. I'm also thankful that I haven't been seriously sick at all this year.
10. Our move home and having had the chance to grow up here. Obviously I was an adult when we moved here, but we finally had to learn how to stand on our own two feet when we moved. That experience is invaluable. On the flip side, there have been way too many holidays alone and I'm ready to move back and be part of our family again.
1. My baby, Shawna. She's mainly my number one because she's right here in my face while I type. While Shawna can make me absolutely batty, she's also my sanity most days and reminds me why I wanted to be a mother. She's funny, beautiful, loving. She gives the best hugs.
2. I'll keep in the kid zone and put Olivia next. Olivia came into our lives about a year early than we had anticipated, but I wouldn't change that for the world! She's probably the most mature 8 year old I've ever met. Generally speaking, I can trust her to be honest at all times (with few exceptions).
3. Natalie... My funny, silly daughter. She brings the most light into my life (but tell either of my other daughters and I'll deny it!). Natalie is charming and witty. She is easy to smile and quick to love on you if you need it.
4. Mark. There are so many times that I just want to kill him and/or walk out the door and never look back, but truth be told, my life wouldn't be complete without him. Even when I'm mad at him, I feel like I need to talk to him throughout the day. He's a rock. He may not always understand why I need what I need, but he tries to be there for me and do what he can to make me happy.
5. I'm thankful for my friends. They are few and far between, but the ones that I have are the ones who will tell me when my breath stinks or that my jeans make my butt look awesome. I'm sad to leave the couple I have here, but I'm ready to get back to the ones I left behind two years ago.
6. My parents have always been there for me. They're the first people I want to call (besides Mark) when I have good news. I could spend hours in comfortable silence with my mom. As an adult, I can now see why my dad has the opinions that he does and while I don't always agree with them, I can respect them.
7. Scrabble. Yep, I know it's silly, but I'm thankful for Scrabble, especially the Facebook version. Scrabble keeps the mind sharp and I love spending afternoons playing Scrabble with my mom. It makes the 800 miles seem smaller somehow.
8. Sweet tea: No joke, I'm thankful for tea. Maybe moreso, I'm thankful for McDonald's for have sweet tea on the dollar menu.
9. My health. I'm not perfectly healthy. I'm overweight, probably pre-diabetic. I'm thankful for being able to work towards not being overweight and pre-diabetic. I'm also thankful that I haven't been seriously sick at all this year.
10. Our move home and having had the chance to grow up here. Obviously I was an adult when we moved here, but we finally had to learn how to stand on our own two feet when we moved. That experience is invaluable. On the flip side, there have been way too many holidays alone and I'm ready to move back and be part of our family again.
Idiot Parenting
I won't even pretend to be a perfect parent because I don't believe one exists, but those parents who purposely put their children at risk make me BATTY! How hard is it to plop a toddler into a car seat and strap him in before you drive away. I realize you probably don't have far to go, but it only takes one car running a stop sign or red light to completely ruin your life.
There are places that even provide seats to families who cannot otherwise afford them. Go get you a free seat, ghetto-mama!
On another note: my jeans weren't fully dry coming out of the dryer this morning, but I had to take Natalie to school and didn't feel like braving public in my blue plaid pj bottoms. Ghetto-mama does, but it's just not my style. So, wet jeans, a moron mom at school, and a baby who's pooped twice already today. Could my life get much better? ;o)
There are places that even provide seats to families who cannot otherwise afford them. Go get you a free seat, ghetto-mama!
On another note: my jeans weren't fully dry coming out of the dryer this morning, but I had to take Natalie to school and didn't feel like braving public in my blue plaid pj bottoms. Ghetto-mama does, but it's just not my style. So, wet jeans, a moron mom at school, and a baby who's pooped twice already today. Could my life get much better? ;o)
Monday, November 15, 2010
Irritation
It's hard not to be irritated by the little things in life. Like, when someone travels some 1200 miles to your state and then for one reason or another doesn't have time to meet you. It's frustrating. I won't lie. I feel slighted, insignificant... whatever.
I guess emotions are running high. Our move is only 32 days out. I feel like there's definitely becoming some distance between me and my southern friends, whether consciously or subconsciously... But it's there. I think moving away from here will be harder than it was to leave my home state, and that just leaves me baffled. Natalie will be five tomorrow. Shawna's walking independently. Olivia is flourishing. Leaves a momma feeling a little out in the cold! lol
I sit here wondering if Moon Dough is non-toxic. About an hour ago, Shawna toddled up to me with a mouthful of it. Way to keep it picked up, Nat. She seems okay... No worse for the wear, I guess. I can only imagine, based on the way it smells, what Moon Dough tastes like. Not something I care to test out for myself.
I have so much left to do to prepare for this move. With roughly four weeks left, there's only so much I can pack right now. I know there's more I CAN do, and I will. I'm packing bit by bit every day. I gotta tell ya, though... Packing sucks.
Anyway, I had fully intended to go into a ginormous rant here, but I can't seem to find the energy to bother. I also don't ever mean to hurt feelings and with my luck, it would get back to the person I'm ranting about, so even though no harm would be meant, it would cause an uproar. I'm seriously just too old to have to deal with shit like that anymore.
I guess emotions are running high. Our move is only 32 days out. I feel like there's definitely becoming some distance between me and my southern friends, whether consciously or subconsciously... But it's there. I think moving away from here will be harder than it was to leave my home state, and that just leaves me baffled. Natalie will be five tomorrow. Shawna's walking independently. Olivia is flourishing. Leaves a momma feeling a little out in the cold! lol
I sit here wondering if Moon Dough is non-toxic. About an hour ago, Shawna toddled up to me with a mouthful of it. Way to keep it picked up, Nat. She seems okay... No worse for the wear, I guess. I can only imagine, based on the way it smells, what Moon Dough tastes like. Not something I care to test out for myself.
I have so much left to do to prepare for this move. With roughly four weeks left, there's only so much I can pack right now. I know there's more I CAN do, and I will. I'm packing bit by bit every day. I gotta tell ya, though... Packing sucks.
Anyway, I had fully intended to go into a ginormous rant here, but I can't seem to find the energy to bother. I also don't ever mean to hurt feelings and with my luck, it would get back to the person I'm ranting about, so even though no harm would be meant, it would cause an uproar. I'm seriously just too old to have to deal with shit like that anymore.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Is My Life Boring?
After a brief passing conversation, I started to wonder, is my life boring? It's not very scheduled or organized. We generally fly by the seat of our pants -- within reason, of course. In the fall, we've found cheerleading fits our children quite well. Well, it did last year when it was just Olivia cheering. Having two kids on different teams and only one parent home consistently can make things tough. I know... wah, wah, cry, cry. People do it with way more kids, I'm sure. But this is MY life we're talking about.
So, we put both girls in cheer this fall. As of today, their schedules take up 6 out of 7 days each week. Natalie has practice on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday night with a game Saturday morning each week. Olivia practices Monday, Thursday and Saturday with a game on Friday nights. Mark works Monday thru Saturday and is only rarely home in time to pick up some of the driving, although I do give him credit because he busts his butt home and grabs our second car to come relieve me of one child.
I recently overheard some moms talking about the number of children people have. One said, "I don't know how people have more than two kids! We only have one and I can barely keep up with her schedule!" Really? Are you freaking kidding? Another says, "I know it! I would never have more than two. You don't want to be out-numbered by your children!" Out-numbered? What kind of crap is that? I suppose I'm technically out-numbered if you consider children as equals in your house. Here, though, I'm the adult. They're the children. This 3:1 or 3:2 ratio those women are implying does not exist. My children are not my friends. They are children. There's no such thing as being out-numbered in our family.
Right, back to my boring life. I'm a terrible housekeeper. I always felt like I'm a great wife and great mother, but my cleaning skills are sorely lacking. Is my house disgusting? Should you call CPS and report that my children live in an unsafe environment. Nah. It's not THAT bad. Would I want you to walk through my door right now and see how lazy I am? Definitely not. Mark's job is to go to work, make money and support our family financially. My job is a stay at home mom. I do homework, fix boo-boos, stop fights, change diapers, find missing socks and spankies (duh, cheer), fix hair, make sure teeth are brushed, make sure homework goes back to school... I don't see anything in the Mom-contract about cleaning house. Shouldn't that fall on BOTH our shoulders?
So, I don't clean. I sound terrible. I do taxi. I drive from here to there. I pay our bills (and mostly in a timely fashion). I buy the groceries, do most of the cooking. So what if I don't dust?!
I feel like I'm starting to ramble which must mean I'm out of ideas to write. I don't think I really decided if my life is boring or not. LOL It's interesting to me, usually, so I guess that's all that matters. :)
EDIT: I forgot to mention that today is the national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It cut through me like a knife. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling so deeply for the children we never knew?
So, we put both girls in cheer this fall. As of today, their schedules take up 6 out of 7 days each week. Natalie has practice on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday night with a game Saturday morning each week. Olivia practices Monday, Thursday and Saturday with a game on Friday nights. Mark works Monday thru Saturday and is only rarely home in time to pick up some of the driving, although I do give him credit because he busts his butt home and grabs our second car to come relieve me of one child.
I recently overheard some moms talking about the number of children people have. One said, "I don't know how people have more than two kids! We only have one and I can barely keep up with her schedule!" Really? Are you freaking kidding? Another says, "I know it! I would never have more than two. You don't want to be out-numbered by your children!" Out-numbered? What kind of crap is that? I suppose I'm technically out-numbered if you consider children as equals in your house. Here, though, I'm the adult. They're the children. This 3:1 or 3:2 ratio those women are implying does not exist. My children are not my friends. They are children. There's no such thing as being out-numbered in our family.
Right, back to my boring life. I'm a terrible housekeeper. I always felt like I'm a great wife and great mother, but my cleaning skills are sorely lacking. Is my house disgusting? Should you call CPS and report that my children live in an unsafe environment. Nah. It's not THAT bad. Would I want you to walk through my door right now and see how lazy I am? Definitely not. Mark's job is to go to work, make money and support our family financially. My job is a stay at home mom. I do homework, fix boo-boos, stop fights, change diapers, find missing socks and spankies (duh, cheer), fix hair, make sure teeth are brushed, make sure homework goes back to school... I don't see anything in the Mom-contract about cleaning house. Shouldn't that fall on BOTH our shoulders?
So, I don't clean. I sound terrible. I do taxi. I drive from here to there. I pay our bills (and mostly in a timely fashion). I buy the groceries, do most of the cooking. So what if I don't dust?!
I feel like I'm starting to ramble which must mean I'm out of ideas to write. I don't think I really decided if my life is boring or not. LOL It's interesting to me, usually, so I guess that's all that matters. :)
EDIT: I forgot to mention that today is the national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It cut through me like a knife. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling so deeply for the children we never knew?
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