What happens when you start to question things that you thought you were sure of? For me, my world seems to be in this new awkward spiral. It's not a downward spiral. Just a spiral. Things keep catching me off guard.
I've been a firm anti-believer for my entire adult life. Okay, maybe that's not quite right. I'm a fair-weather believer. I don't mind praying when I feel like I have no other choices... As in, when I'm strapped to a table in an operating room having my last child cut from my body, yeah... I prayed. Or when something horrendous happens to someone I care about (like miscarrying a baby at 19 weeks), I pray. Or maybe I'm not praying as much as just hoping to the Universe that something will sooth the hearts of those hurting.
So, backing up to my youth, we were never taken to church, nor were we ever offered the chance. I wasn't allowed to attend events at the local Wesleyan church because of my father's beliefs. I have no idea what that was all about, but nearly all of my friends attended that church, so if I couldn't go there, there was no sense in going somewhere else. Then, growing up, my oldest brother was high-atheist and we, my middle brother and I, being the young followers we are, ended up being "atheist", too. I quote that, because I'm not sure you can call yourself atheist without good reason and I didn't have a good reason. I didn't believe frankly because I wasn't informed. I knew nothing about religion. Period.
I held tight to this lack-of-beliefs, if you will, all the way until recently. I dabbled in the Methodist church for awhile but found that more than anything, I was just digging the music (weird, I know, but I have a small playlist for my funeral now). I liked the "feeling" of church - the community part. But, I still have never been able to wrap my head around God.
Recently, Steve Jobs (founder of Apple) passed away and his sister reported his last words to be, "Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow." Now, what do you suppose he's seeing? It must be something pretty impressive, I'd imagine! It really got me thinking. Obviously, there was something there. Steve Jobs wouldn't just say, "Oh, wow" repeatedly as his last words on earth unless there was a good reason, you know? It almost feels like those words are haunting me tonight.
But, I'll go back to my younger years. I've held tight to the argument of an Agnostic person. You cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God. Which leaves me in a troubling place. I don't believe, nor disbelieve, in the possibility of their being a Christian God. I'm torn between holding onto what is old, comfortable and familiar and letting myself fall into a world of the unknown. I'm not sure I'm ready for that part of my life just yet, but maybe - just maybe - there's a reason Steve Jobs' words are coming back to me again and again.
Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.
