No one to count on

I have a lot of huge things going on in my life right now and most of the time feel as though there isn't one person that gives a damn about any of it. It's pretty sad when you have to vent to a lifeless blogging site because no one else will give you the time of day.

I'm starting to want to hermit again. It happens a few times a year. I just want to nix my facebook account, shut off my cell phone and wallow in self-pity. What good would it do? No one would notice. LOL Like I said, there's no one who really gives a damn about what I'm going through.

Even the people I would consider best friends any other time are totally gone on me right now. Maybe they're ticked that we're moving or in the very least think we're making a bad choice. I don't know. I don't live my life for them as I don't expect them to live their lives for me, but it would be nice if they would occasionally ask how stuff is going. A simple "hey, is Natalie doing okay?" or "how much more packing is there?" would at least make me feel as though they've put some thought into ME.

It's just another case of the me-mes, I guess. I'm constantly on the receiving end of me-mes and I guess I attract those types because I sure am surrounded by them! It's really hard to shake a me-me, too. Once you listen to their bullshit once or twice, you're stuck.

I don't mean to be such a downer. I'm just lonely. It would be nice if someone cared about me and my "problems" once in awhile.

I'm wondering if I can make posts private... Gonna have to look into that.

Doctors, Pharmacies, Idiots.

After spewing my opinions on this matter on Facebook, I realized it'll never go anywhere and everyone probably thinks I'm just an absurd bitchy mother at this point, so I figure I'll blog my heart out and it won't effect anyone but myself. I'm sure I'll feel mostly better.

Natalie had an appointment with the pediatrician (whom we generally love) on Monday at 3:30. We arrived about ten minutes early and waited, waited, waited... At 5 pm, I went to the counter and asked if she had been forgotten about. We were still in the waiting room. The most they had done was made a copy of her insurance card (not that it had changed any). Not forgotten... Just had some "emergencies" that went ahead of us. Emergencies should be for urgent care or the emergency room, but I digress.

So, we finally get placed in a room. Nurse weighs Natalie, asks what's going on, etc. Back in the room and we sit... and sit... and sit. Natalie has to pee. I take her to the bathroom. Dr sees me in the hall and says Natalie is next. FINALLY! We go back and wait. And wait some more. Different nurse comes in with the phone number for the cardiologist. Mind you, we haven't seen the doctor yet.

Another nurse comes in and asks what we're waiting for. Are you kidding? So, I counter with my own question: "Do I still have a co-pay if I haven't seen the doctor?" She's obviously unaware that we haven't been seen so she says she'll go get him. He comes in some 15 minutes later or so, ignores my concerns about her having acid reflux or anxiety, writes a very expensive prescription for a medication we cannot afford and pushes us out the door. At this point I am just so over having been at the doctor for 2 1/2 hours so we leave. (On a small side note: I requested shot records for Natalie and Olivia (for school) and the doctor said "we generally require 24 hour notice and a fee, but it's on the house this time" which is great because I don't plan on being back.)

I took her prescription to the pharmacy the next day after school. The pharmacist informs me that it's an expensive medication even with insurance, so I asked him to go ahead and order it, because she obviously needs it. Anyway, I go home and call the doctor to find out why they didn't call her in something free like Amoxicillian. Got the front desk. She said she'll ask him. He calls back a few hours later and asks for the pharmacy number and I asked if he was calling something else in. He confirmed he was and I figured it was Amoxicillian or something. Get to the pharmacy today. Dr didn't cancel the old script so they had MIXED the two meds together. Great. Not my fault.

Pharmacist gives me hell about the two scripts and that they were mixed (sorry, I don't have $40 for an antibiotic, bitch. maybe you should have asked first.) She rings up the new called in prescription and it was still $12, which isn't bad except I zeroed out my bank account getting gas this morning. Joy of fucking joys.

Panic Attacks in Children

12 % of 9th graders have experienced at least 1 panic attack and many of them before the age of 10.

It's a startling statistic to me, but while researching children having panic attacks, it's a stat that I came across. Wow. 12%! It seems like a low number, but when you consider what a panic attack is... Scary stuff.

Natalie has been having chest pains and elevated heart rates for about four noted days, starting the evening before Thanksgiving. She told us her "heart hurts" and when we felt her chest and listened at her heart, it was alarming how quickly her heartbeat was. I took her to the local hospital ER only to be told that maybe she was "scared", after her EKG and chest x-ray came back normal. Nice. I'm sure that's it, dill hole. She was just scared.

It happened again last night and we called the nurse hot-line at our doctor's office. After our feeble attempts to get a good heart-rate on her (about 108), she suggested that since Nat had pain, we take her to the ER again. Not thrilled with the level of care we received at Henry Medical, I took her all the way into Atlanta to Children's Healthcare of Atlanta. We got there, got her weight, they tagged her arm and went through registration only to have it confirmed that my child, who's having CHEST PAINS, won't be able to see a doctor for 2 1/2 hours. Insanity.

We left. I went against my better judgment and took Natalie home, the whole time screaming at myself inwardly that there could be something wrong with her and no one seems to care enough to help us. I know they can't drop everything for her, and she's seemingly okay today, but what if she was having a heart-attack? I know, rare in 5 year old children, but not impossible, right?

Anyway, it's our goal to keep her home the rest of the weekend and not have to rush off to a hospital with doctors who can't help. I'll take her into the pediatrician on Monday and hopefully they'll be able to guide us. I'm pretty sure she's having anxiety because of our move. I'm having anxiety myself... So why shouldn't she?

I'll update after we see the doctor on Monday.

Not as we planned...

My period is about two weeks late. I've felt pms-y for about three weeks and I keep expecting my period to come at any time. But, every time I use the bathroom, nothing. Is it sick that I almost hope to be pregnant? My last chance to have a baby? Tubals aren't 100% effective, but I read a lot of negative info on ectopic pregnancies and I think it may kill me if I have to lose another child. :(

Part of me just wants my period to show up so I can mourn my close-call loss and get over it, but part of me keeps hoping all hopes that it stays away and that the little cramps I keep getting are implantation cramps. :) I know... I'm all sorts of messed up. I'm dying for someone to talk to about my crazy emotions, but I just can't open up to anyone. I don't think anyone would get it. And until I know for sure, I just don't want to alert the media.

I was going to post to my online group but people talk and the last thing I want is for a bunch of bitches to know that I may or may not be pregnant. It kills me that after all that's gone on, they still keep contact with the idiots that were so hurtful. But, what can ya do? I wouldn't have wanted to lose them as my friends over stuff... So I guess I can't expect them to ditch the bitches either.

Anyway, that's neither here nor there. I guess I'll update later about whether I'm pregnant or if it's a freak missing period!

I don't listen to my children

I don't listen to my children very often, but I don't think they notice. Natalie praddles on and on all day long, barely stopping to breathe or eat. She just jabbers... I know she comes by it naturally. I am her mother, after all. After awhile, it seems, I just tune her out. I know she's talking, but as for having the foggiest idea what she's saying... Yeah, not so much.

Olivia doesn't yak as much so I find I'm more willing to listen to what she says. I wonder if Natalie has picked up on that at all? Natalie can talk for hours about anything, and when she's not talking, she's cheering - which is a whole other issue in itself. Olivia likes to cheer, too, but doesn't do it with the consistency that Natalie does. And the things Olivia talks about are actually interesting and engaging. It's more of a conversation than her just talking AT you, like Natalie does.

So, I guess my title is incorrect. It should say "I don't listen to Natalie". Somehow, I doubt she cares. I think it just feels good to her to talk and hear herself. The world is her stage!

Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

Why are people such assholes at times? I mean, I know we all get a bug up our butts once in awhile and we say things that maybe we don't mean, or maybe we mean them but wouldn't normally say them. Today, I posted on Facebook about hating when I run out of stuff to do online and have to go clean or pack. Well, most people thought it was humorous or just ignored it, but not everyone.

People from Natalie's cheer team (the parents) have added me on Facebook. I think I only sought out a couple of them. Well, the offending poster is one of those who looked for ME. I didn't invite him into my world. He brought himself in.

Anyway, to my post about hating not having enough to do online, he posts "wish I had your problems..." I have problems? Who the fuck is he to think he knows a damn thing about my life? Maybe I'm taking this wrong or something, but good god! Who says shit like that? I wrote back "??? I have problems? It was meant to be humorous, but thanks..." but I've since deleted his and my last post. Gimme a break. I didn't ask to be his friend. Why would he be such an ass?

The unfortunately thing is that Natalie absolutely loves his daughter and they want to have her sleep over before we move. I'm sorry, dickweed. We may be too busy to accommodate that arrangement now. I hate to punish Natalie in the process, but I don't want her staying at their house. Fuck it.

Something positive

My blogs are all a bunch of whining bullshit, so why not post a Positive Blog? In the spirit of Thanksgiving, I'll give a list of what I'm thankful for.

1. My baby, Shawna. She's mainly my number one because she's right here in my face while I type. While Shawna can make me absolutely batty, she's also my sanity most days and reminds me why I wanted to be a mother. She's funny, beautiful, loving. She gives the best hugs.

2. I'll keep in the kid zone and put Olivia next. Olivia came into our lives about a year early than we had anticipated, but I wouldn't change that for the world! She's probably the most mature 8 year old I've ever met. Generally speaking, I can trust her to be honest at all times (with few exceptions).

3. Natalie... My funny, silly daughter. She brings the most light into my life (but tell either of my other daughters and I'll deny it!). Natalie is charming and witty. She is easy to smile and quick to love on you if you need it.

4. Mark. There are so many times that I just want to kill him and/or walk out the door and never look back, but truth be told, my life wouldn't be complete without him. Even when I'm mad at him, I feel like I need to talk to him throughout the day. He's a rock. He may not always understand why I need what I need, but he tries to be there for me and do what he can to make me happy.

5. I'm thankful for my friends. They are few and far between, but the ones that I have are the ones who will tell me when my breath stinks or that my jeans make my butt look awesome. I'm sad to leave the couple I have here, but I'm ready to get back to the ones I left behind two years ago.

6. My parents have always been there for me. They're the first people I want to call (besides Mark) when I have good news. I could spend hours in comfortable silence with my mom. As an adult, I can now see why my dad has the opinions that he does and while I don't always agree with them, I can respect them.

7. Scrabble. Yep, I know it's silly, but I'm thankful for Scrabble, especially the Facebook version. Scrabble keeps the mind sharp and I love spending afternoons playing Scrabble with my mom. It makes the 800 miles seem smaller somehow.

8. Sweet tea: No joke, I'm thankful for tea. Maybe moreso, I'm thankful for McDonald's for have sweet tea on the dollar menu.

9. My health. I'm not perfectly healthy. I'm overweight, probably pre-diabetic. I'm thankful for being able to work towards not being overweight and pre-diabetic. I'm also thankful that I haven't been seriously sick at all this year.

10. Our move home and having had the chance to grow up here. Obviously I was an adult when we moved here, but we finally had to learn how to stand on our own two feet when we moved. That experience is invaluable. On the flip side, there have been way too many holidays alone and I'm ready to move back and be part of our family again.

Idiot Parenting

I won't even pretend to be a perfect parent because I don't believe one exists, but those parents who purposely put their children at risk make me BATTY! How hard is it to plop a toddler into a car seat and strap him in before you drive away. I realize you probably don't have far to go, but it only takes one car running a stop sign or red light to completely ruin your life.

There are places that even provide seats to families who cannot otherwise afford them. Go get you a free seat, ghetto-mama!

On another note: my jeans weren't fully dry coming out of the dryer this morning, but I had to take Natalie to school and didn't feel like braving public in my blue plaid pj bottoms. Ghetto-mama does, but it's just not my style. So, wet jeans, a moron mom at school, and a baby who's pooped twice already today. Could my life get much better? ;o)

Irritation

It's hard not to be irritated by the little things in life. Like, when someone travels some 1200 miles to your state and then for one reason or another doesn't have time to meet you. It's frustrating. I won't lie. I feel slighted, insignificant... whatever.

I guess emotions are running high. Our move is only 32 days out. I feel like there's definitely becoming some distance between me and my southern friends, whether consciously or subconsciously... But it's there. I think moving away from here will be harder than it was to leave my home state, and that just leaves me baffled. Natalie will be five tomorrow. Shawna's walking independently. Olivia is flourishing. Leaves a momma feeling a little out in the cold! lol

I sit here wondering if Moon Dough is non-toxic. About an hour ago, Shawna toddled up to me with a mouthful of it. Way to keep it picked up, Nat. She seems okay... No worse for the wear, I guess. I can only imagine, based on the way it smells, what Moon Dough tastes like. Not something I care to test out for myself.

I have so much left to do to prepare for this move. With roughly four weeks left, there's only so much I can pack right now. I know there's more I CAN do, and I will. I'm packing bit by bit every day. I gotta tell ya, though... Packing sucks.

Anyway, I had fully intended to go into a ginormous rant here, but I can't seem to find the energy to bother. I also don't ever mean to hurt feelings and with my luck, it would get back to the person I'm ranting about, so even though no harm would be meant, it would cause an uproar. I'm seriously just too old to have to deal with shit like that anymore.

Is My Life Boring?

After a brief passing conversation, I started to wonder, is my life boring? It's not very scheduled or organized. We generally fly by the seat of our pants -- within reason, of course. In the fall, we've found cheerleading fits our children quite well. Well, it did last year when it was just Olivia cheering. Having two kids on different teams and only one parent home consistently can make things tough. I know... wah, wah, cry, cry. People do it with way more kids, I'm sure. But this is MY life we're talking about.

So, we put both girls in cheer this fall. As of today, their schedules take up 6 out of 7 days each week. Natalie has practice on Sunday, Wednesday and Thursday night with a game Saturday morning each week. Olivia practices Monday, Thursday and Saturday with a game on Friday nights. Mark works Monday thru Saturday and is only rarely home in time to pick up some of the driving, although I do give him credit because he busts his butt home and grabs our second car to come relieve me of one child.

I recently overheard some moms talking about the number of children people have. One said, "I don't know how people have more than two kids! We only have one and I can barely keep up with her schedule!" Really? Are you freaking kidding? Another says, "I know it! I would never have more than two. You don't want to be out-numbered by your children!" Out-numbered? What kind of crap is that? I suppose I'm technically out-numbered if you consider children as equals in your house. Here, though, I'm the adult. They're the children. This 3:1 or 3:2 ratio those women are implying does not exist. My children are not my friends. They are children. There's no such thing as being out-numbered in our family.

Right, back to my boring life. I'm a terrible housekeeper. I always felt like I'm a great wife and great mother, but my cleaning skills are sorely lacking. Is my house disgusting? Should you call CPS and report that my children live in an unsafe environment. Nah. It's not THAT bad. Would I want you to walk through my door right now and see how lazy I am? Definitely not. Mark's job is to go to work, make money and support our family financially. My job is a stay at home mom. I do homework, fix boo-boos, stop fights, change diapers, find missing socks and spankies (duh, cheer), fix hair, make sure teeth are brushed, make sure homework goes back to school... I don't see anything in the Mom-contract about cleaning house. Shouldn't that fall on BOTH our shoulders?

So, I don't clean. I sound terrible. I do taxi. I drive from here to there. I pay our bills (and mostly in a timely fashion). I buy the groceries, do most of the cooking. So what if I don't dust?!

I feel like I'm starting to ramble which must mean I'm out of ideas to write. I don't think I really decided if my life is boring or not. LOL It's interesting to me, usually, so I guess that's all that matters. :)


EDIT: I forgot to mention that today is the national Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It cut through me like a knife. I wonder if I'll ever stop feeling so deeply for the children we never knew?

An Over-due Update

It's been 10 months since I last blogged and I figured I'd step back in. My original intent was to blog about my weight loss but once I started, I wasn't that interested in it. I did lose some weight. I was 221 in January, got down to about 209 but I seem to have leveled out around 215... for now. I have plans for Weight Watchers in my future and hopefully I can meet my goal of 175 and stay there!

A lot has changed. Shawna is now a year old and starting to walk. It's increasingly more difficult to blog when your toddler is in your face and banging on your chest (and grabbing your fingers while you type). Despite all that, and maybe because of it, she is my pride and joy. When I was younger, I used to try to figure out which of us kids (Andy, Tim or myself) was my parent's favorite. They insisted they loved us all the same. Now that I am the mom to three of my own, I know there is truth there. I love each of my children with equal passion, but for different reasons. Right now, Shawna is the one person in my life that can ALWAYS make me smile. If fear of sounding like a total sap, she is my sunshine.

Mark and I are making a big move in a little more than 8 weeks. We are packing up our family and moving back to Michigan. I was estatic when we first decided. I didn't even have to twist his arm to get him to go. He was offered his old job back, with more money. The clincher for us was renting my childhood home from my parents for what they pay for it. This may finally be the move that puts us in a more comfortable place financially - lower bills and higher income. I do have mixed feelings though. We worked so hard to make a life here... Natalie has a best friend (Meghan) at school. I have a made a friend here, too. But still... the best friends cannot match family in my book. Things are set to go, so no matter what, we're moving, but I know there will be an adjustment period I'm not sure I'm ready for.

I wonder sometimes if I'm the only person in the world without a best friend. It seems, everywhere I look, people are buddied up. It's definitely something I envy. I had an awesome core group of friends before we left Michigan, but everyone has moved in their own directions. I wouldn't have been able to pick one best from that group of three ladies. They were ALL the best for different reasons. I still talk to them all... but it's just not the same anymore. I hope moving closer will mend some of those broken ties.

I guess I've babbled on long enough now. Maybe I'll check back in sooner than 10 months from now. I'm sure this would be a good place to vent my frustrations with our move... :)

From the beginning

I'm a bit lost as to where to start, though I know I want to and need to blog. I guess I'll start with some background and see where it takes me. I'm 29, turning the big 30 this May. I've been married for 9 years this June and together we have three beautiful daughters. Olivia will be 8 in March, Natalie is 4 and Shawna is currently 3 months old. We live in Georgia, though not all of us are happy about it. Mark loves it here. I would love to move back to Michigan - that's where we're from.

When Shawna was born, we decided she was the last so I had my tubes tied. There are some regrets now and again about that, but what's done is done. So, after the new year, I decided to do something about my weight. I come from a "heavy" family. Both of my parents are overweight and diabetic. My brothers have got to be borderline. After a scare with gestational diabetes, I realized I would not and could not live my life with type 2 diabetes, so I'm changing it now.

Exercise I can do, though there are times I'm near tears while working out. There's a lot of emotion around being a fat woman. I constantly feel like I'm the fat friend, the fat sister, fat mother... I don't like it. And while I'm sure people aren't labeling me with this on a daily basis, I can't shake that feeling out of my head, so it's time to make it go away. No longer will I be the fat friend or the fat sister or the fat mom. On to the skinny - as Becky and I have coined as our phrase!

So, I'm 5'8" tall and weighed a whopping 221 pounds at my WIC appointment on January 6th. According to my scale this morning (January 15), I am 220 pounds. My BMI is 33.4, which makes me "obese". Ick. My first goal of 175 pounds puts me in the "overweight" category at a BMI of 26.6. 160 pounds would get me to the healthy level of 24.3, so I guess that is my major goal for now.

I hate that I've let myself get to the point of needing this so badly. I need to change this now, so my kids aren't sitting in the same position when they're getting ready to turn 30 wishing something had been different.

So, I'll close for now... By the way, the smudge on the mirror in my picture is Natalie's contribution to keeping me busy as a house wife.