When You Change Your Mind...

What happens when you start to question things that you thought you were sure of? For me, my world seems to be in this new awkward spiral. It's not a downward spiral. Just a spiral. Things keep catching me off guard.

I've been a firm anti-believer for my entire adult life. Okay, maybe that's not quite right. I'm a fair-weather believer. I don't mind praying when I feel like I have no other choices... As in, when I'm strapped to a table in an operating room having my last child cut from my body, yeah... I prayed. Or when something horrendous happens to someone I care about (like miscarrying a baby at 19 weeks), I pray. Or maybe I'm not praying as much as just hoping to the Universe that something will sooth the hearts of those hurting.

So, backing up to my youth, we were never taken to church, nor were we ever offered the chance. I wasn't allowed to attend events at the local Wesleyan church because of my father's beliefs. I have no idea what that was all about, but nearly all of my friends attended that church, so if I couldn't go there, there was no sense in going somewhere else. Then, growing up, my oldest brother was high-atheist and we, my middle brother and I, being the young followers we are, ended up being "atheist", too. I quote that, because I'm not sure you can call yourself atheist without good reason and I didn't have a good reason. I didn't believe frankly because I wasn't informed. I knew nothing about religion. Period.

I held tight to this lack-of-beliefs, if you will, all the way until recently. I dabbled in the Methodist church for awhile but found that more than anything, I was just digging the music (weird, I know, but I have a small playlist for my funeral now). I liked the "feeling" of church - the community part. But, I still have never been able to wrap my head around God.

Recently, Steve Jobs (founder of Apple) passed away and his sister reported his last words to be, "Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow." Now, what do you suppose he's seeing? It must be something pretty impressive, I'd imagine! It really got me thinking. Obviously, there was something there. Steve Jobs wouldn't just say, "Oh, wow" repeatedly as his last words on earth unless there was a good reason, you know? It almost feels like those words are haunting me tonight.

But, I'll go back to my younger years. I've held tight to the argument of an Agnostic person. You cannot prove nor disprove the existence of God. Which leaves me in a troubling place. I don't believe, nor disbelieve, in the possibility of their being a Christian God. I'm torn between holding onto what is old, comfortable and familiar and letting myself fall into a world of the unknown. I'm not sure I'm ready for that part of my life just yet, but maybe - just maybe - there's a reason Steve Jobs' words are coming back to me again and again.

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Oh, wow.

Unimportant

I am... unimportant.

I mean virtually nothing to anyone unless they need a service from me. No one really knows me. But no one really seems to want to either. It's heart breaking... and I'm heart broken a lot.

Some of my family members are apparently currently estranged at the moment. I had it "out" with my brother in June and we've not really spoken since. I've tried to reach out, but, as he would put it, "answering the phone (or texts or facebook comments) is a choice" and it's pretty obvious I'm not a choice to him. I tried to email his wife about something completely unrelated, and I get no response. None. Awesome. Thanks a lot.

I can't seem to find a place to fit in anywhere. I'm always just on the outside of things... I never feel like I'm wanted anywhere. No one appreciates the things I do, little or big. The only time things are noticed, is when they're not done.

I guess I'm just having some pms (poor me syndrome) lately. Not that I'd ever do it, but there are days I can see why people just give up and kill themselves. I'm sure I just feel a fraction of the pain they feel and I know I don't want to be here anymore half the time either. If only it wasn't so selfish... I don't know how to be selfish.

Leaking

My face leaks. It's a terrible, terrible thing, but it does. It's attached to my overly emotional stupid head that gets hurt by every little thing. And, like when I usually blog, it's leaking now.

What's worse, is I guess I bring it all on myself. How dare I think of me for once. It's not like I don't put four other people above myself 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year. Nope. I'm selfish. All I think about is me me me...

Oh right... and them. There are days I don't shower because I can't get time in between picking up after, washing and feeding the four other regulars and two other part-timers that are in this house. I wash clothes for five people. I cook at least five dinners a week for those same five and sometimes two extras. So, you'll excuse me if at 10 pm, I find myself wondering if you're pissed at me... and then feel like it's confirmed when you bite my head off when I ask you about it.

I just... Has it always been this dramatic. Did my mom get her feelings hurt as often with less technology? How much can your books and tv hurt your feelings when that's all you have? Maybe it's time to play less-is-more and do away with the internet... Do away with data packages on cell phones. Those must have been simpler times in a way, right?

So, I've babbled off the edge it seems, but at least my face isn't leaking anymore, so that's a good thing. I guess I'll dry my face and try to hide the fact that I've been crying because I don't feel like explaining to my husband that I'm an arrogant asshole who thinks only of herself. I'm sure he'd agree. He probably thinks I only think about myself, too... :P

Strong Woman

Recently a friend pointed out to me that I'm a strong woman. I have a very definite line that is not to be crossed. You cheat on me, we get divorced. You touch my children inappropriately, I'll likely kill you. I'm not all for second-chances and forgiveness for the unforgivable things in life. To me, it's no way to live your life or raise your daughters to let things like that happen and not react accordingly. Along these same lines, I also would not expect someone to forgive me if I did something terrible. There are some things that forgiveness is acceptable, but for those few items, not a chance.

So, anyway, I started thinking about being a strong woman. There are so many times in my life... every month, week, day... that I cannot figure out why a person (generally a woman, but some men, too) put up with the bullshit they put up with. They're not confident! They let people take advantage of their good nature and good will over and over again. Man example, your wife is jealous of someone's wedding ring because it has more carats than her own, so she demands you go out and buy her a wrap so her ring is "bigger". I would LAUGH if someone insisted on that, yet, the person I know ran out and did just what he was told. Why?

I give so much credit to my parents making me a strong woman. My dad never treated my mother like a queen, but he was loving and supportive in all the ways that mattered to my developing mind. As an adult, I question what I may or may not necessarily know about my parents relationship. In all honesty, I don't want to know. It's not my place. And actually, I know more than I probably should. But that is neither here nor there for this blog.

My parents have been married almost 36 years. I've seen ups and downs but I've never known about money troubles. Sure, we didn't have Nike shoes or shop at the Gap for our clothes. My mom had a Sears credit card to put most of our school clothes on so she could pay it off over the school year. I wonder, sometimes, if my kids know too much about our finances? We don't openly talk about them, but when they ask for pizza a day before payday, I tell them we have to wait for payday. Is that a red flag that we're so paycheck to paycheck that we can't afford a $10 pizza? Or are they young enough that it doesn't matter to them? Maybe they think pizza is super expensive?

Right - back to their marriage. I think I learned so much about how relationships are supposed to work from watching my parents. My mother didn't sleep around before they got married and neither did I. Mark and I fight, like most people do, but never enough to make either of us quit the marriage. And I have to wonder, do divorced parents make divorced children? It seems like the more people who are divorced come from "broken" households themselves. Is it just a cycle that perpetuates? The going gets tough, so quit!

I worry about my daughters. I worry that they don't get exactly what they need from Mark and myself all the time. I'm worried that we're not raising them as great as we could. We don't shelter them enough. We don't give them enough opportunities. They don't feel loved enough. We're "outnumbered"... 3 girls to only 2 parents and only one of them the daddy. I think of all the women out there who bounce from bad relationship to bad relationship, all because they have daddy issues.

I got pulled away from the computer and lost my groove, so I guess this is it for now.